(I have been very busy with some other projects so I am reposting an older post that I think you will enjoy! Also I will be posting on Tuesdays and Thursdays instead of Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays for the remainder of this year. I am more than happy to accept guest posts during this time!)
We all have to deal with difficult people at some point in our lives.
Some people are chronically difficult and it is best for your own mental and emotional well being to limit your time with these people as much as possible. It is extremely wearing to be around people who are difficult on a regular basis and it can wear even on the most positive optimist.
Even if you must spend a lot of time with a difficult person, if you live with them, work with them or for some other reason are forced to spend a lot of time with them, you still have choices and options. You can use a little creativity to limit your exposure to their difficult ways.
Ask Them to Stop
Asking them to stop what they are doing is a good first step because they might not even be aware of how difficult they are being on others. By asking them to stop you will find out if they are willing to change their ways. If they are then you are in a great place!
When you ask someone to stop doing something be sure to ask in such a way that is not irritated, demanding, degrading, etc. In order to receive the best response from them:
- Assume that they don’t realize how difficult they are being. In other words don’t take the stance that they are purposefully being difficult to you. You don’t know their motives until you ask no mater how you perceive their actions.
- Use “I statements” when you ask them to stop. “I feel…when you…” is a lot more likely to be received well than are more confrontational statements. Be descriptive of your feelings and their actions and not emotional or judgmental.
- Be willing to help, even asking if you are doing something to contribute to the situation or if there is something that you can do to help them out in the situation. Humility begets humility, if you show that you are willing to change they will be more likely to be willing to as well.
What happens when you ask the difficult person to stop what they are doing and they refuse?
What if they think that they are not doing anything wrong?
What if they think you are the one with the problem and the one who needs to change?
Set Personal Boundaries
There are many ways that you can set boundaries to protect yourself as much as possible from the harmful effects of being around difficult people.
Remember that setting boundaries is about protection and not punishment. You are not setting boundaries to punish the other person but only to protect yourself from their unhealthy behaviors.
When you set boundaries you have decide what you will do when the behavior happens. For example if a friend or significant other is chronically late you can tell them that if they are late then you will leave on time if they are not there when they say they will be. Then you need to follow through and leave on time.
Another example is someone who takes out their negative emotions on those around them. You can tell someone, “The next time that you yell at me I am going to walk away until you are able talk to me respectfully.”
People Who Are Hurting Hurt Others
This is a very important truth to remember: people act out based on their own feelings about themselves
If you can remember that it might help you not to feel so hurt by what is said to you if you understand this truth. Anytime that someone speaks harshly to you you will likely always feel hurt but understanding that their harshness is not about you can take away some of that sting.
Another thing that I have heard said is that people who bully are actually scared little boys/girls inside. That is why they lash out at others, they are trying to make themselves feel better because they feel inferior. The only reason that someone would put another person down is because they feel lousy about themselves.
You don’t see people with positive self-images going around trying to make other people feel bad.
People who feel good about themselves want to help others feel good about themselves too.
Beyond Difficulties…
There are some people who are more extreme than simply being difficult, they are destructive in how they are treating others. They can be verbally, emotionally or even physically destructive. You will need to set even more firm boundaries with these people.
First of all, regardless of what you do to them you do not deserve to be called names, to be threatened, to be made to feel unsafe, to be hit, slapped, etc. There is no excuse whatsoever for any of those behaviors or anything like them.
Firm boundaries need to be set in these situations. Trying to ignore the situation, shutting down and holding out may seem like a less scary choice to make but it’s not a healthy choice to make. Ignoring your feelings will only cause them to fester and come out in other ways and also cause deeper issues later down the road. Including damage to your physical health.
One major issue that can come down the road from not dealing with these now is that these patterns will repeat themselves in other relationships in the future. You will keep reliving them until you have finally worked through what you need to work through. How much better to do this now than five, ten or twenty years down the road!
Some people in these situations feel that they may have deserve to be treated badly. They may be feeling this way if they know that you did something wrong. But rest assured that even if you did do something wrong (who doesn’t commit wrongs in relationships??) that you do NOT deserve this treatment that you are receiving. You still deserve to be spoken to respectfully.
Some boundaries that you may have to set may include leaving, asking them to leave, filing a restraining order, calling the police, etc.
Whatever you do make sure that you are safe emotionally and physically.
Setting boundaries is an important part of protecting yourself whether you are dealing with someone who is difficult or destructive.
To Your Success,
photo credit: joshjanssen
Thank you for reading! I'm Stacy, the owner of this blog. You can learn more about me here.
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Hello Stacy!
This is my first comment on this site! First of all, i would like to say that i completely agree with everything you wrote here. dealing with difficult people is so boring, sometimes even impossible, and again – difficult! Unfortunately, sometimes i have to deal with those kind of people as well. It is very hard when someone is a verbally destructive, because words can hurt us more than physical pain.
Thanks for the post!
EleonoraEOF invites you to read… Tone Your Frame and Energize Your Life With Slimming Exercises
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
November 19th, 2011 at 1:03 pm
Hi Eleonora,
Welcome to my blog and thank you for taking the time to comment! Verbal destruction can definitely be worse than physical pain at times.
Thanks,
Stacy
Stacy invites you to read… 20 Ways to Bring Your Vision to Life
[Reply]
Hi Stacy,
Whenever I face any difficult person to deal with, I generally ask them to please don’t disturb me as I’m doing important work. Sometimes I even don’t react to their activities I just try to concentrate on my work and I think it’s better way to deal.
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Anna@Cosmetic Dentistry Reply:
November 16th, 2011 at 2:23 am
Hi Stacy and Aanchal, I must say that being a person who does not like to have any kind of conflicts or confrontations, I usually do the very same thing. I either just ask them to keep out or just ignore them. I think your advices are very good and they are surely working, I might try them next time. I think your advice on letting them know that they are really annoying is awesome!
Anna@Cosmetic Dentistry invites you to read… Tooth bridge – as seen in old ladies’ mouths
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
November 19th, 2011 at 1:05 pm
Aanchal,
I have to agree that not reacting to them can be very effective! Though I have met some people who seem to take that as a challenge but in most cases they will get bored with trying to rile us up.
Thanks for sharing!
Stacy
Stacy invites you to read… 8 List Posts to Help You in Blogging, Life and Business
[Reply]
Great post Stacey!Yes dealing with those types is really a pain. But life won’t be that exciting without these @$$ in our life!
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Stacy Reply:
November 19th, 2011 at 1:07 pm
Thanks Corinne,
Yes, they can certainly keep life interesting!
Stacy
Stacy invites you to read… How to Move From Negative to Positive Thinking
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Stacey
Awesome Blog – I love the easy to read and comfortable writing style and totally agree with you – making your expectations and boundaries known to others is a good way of managing difficult people.Most people do respond to polite requests and those that don’t well there are other ways to manage those to.
Thanks for sharing and look forward to visiting again – I have added you to my facebook fanpage : Brenda Tsiaousis
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
November 19th, 2011 at 1:11 pm
Thank you, Brenda! I will look for your fanpage!
Take care,
Stacy
Stacy invites you to read… The Double Edged Sword of Personal Development
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Hi Stacy,
interesting post. The question is why the universe sends us difficult people. Chances are we are supposed to learn something, for example to stop them or to set boundaries, as you note as well.
If they are constantly difficult – even on purpose or in a destructive way – we should wave goodbye to them.
Thanks for sharing your insights.
Be blessed
Oliver
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
November 19th, 2011 at 1:14 pm
Hi Oliver,
Great to see you again! You bring up a good point about asking why they have been sent into our lives. Obviously they are in our lives for bigger reasons than just annoying us!
Thank you for sharing,
Stacy
Stacy invites you to read… 8 List Posts to Help You in Blogging, Life and Business
[Reply]
Hi Stacy,
Great post here. Love the tips and insights you’ve shared here. Difficult people are part of our life’s challenges. If we’re not willing to stand for ourselves, then difficult people will give us a harder time. Thanks for sharing this!
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
November 19th, 2011 at 1:18 pm
Hi PJ,
Thank you very much. So true, if we don’t deal with them we will just have a harder time. If not from them, then someone else! It’s up to us to make the changes we need to make!
Stacy
Stacy invites you to read… 5 Tools That I Wouldn’t Go Without
[Reply]
All tips are very important for happy life. What you have mentioned in your this post give strength to ego.
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
November 19th, 2011 at 1:23 pm
Yes, they give us strength! Thanks for sharing!
Stacy invites you to read… Keeping Fit to Boost Your Confidence
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Agree with what you say Stacy. Unfortunately there are far too many people with low self esteem out there who feel better by treating other people badly.
Just look at discussions on social media. Frequently someone posts a comment insulting others. Have never understood why it makes them feel good but it does.So it’s essential to understand that it has nothing to do with you but with them.
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
November 19th, 2011 at 1:26 pm
Hi Catarina,
That’s a great point about social media. How many times do we see people putting others down in such a public setting. But like you said, if we can understand that it’s a reflection of them rather than us we can handle it much better!
Stacy
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[Reply]
Hi Stacy, I rate your post D grade, it means double grade, great post & advice as well. Excellent advice to protect ourselves from difficult people. I like this sentence, this is very true:
People who feel good about themselves want to help others feel good about themselves too.
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 3:41 pm
Thank you very much, Viviana! It took me a long time to realize the truth of that statement and it has helped a lot!
[Reply]
Hello Stacy,
Long time…Yet still as inspiring as evar. I love what you said here…. “You don’t see people with positive self-images going around trying to make other people feel bad”
Some people are really difficult to dael with and sometimes we need to be firm in our decisions and try as much as possible to leave on a good note.
Have A Very Lovely Day!!!!!
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Stacy Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 3:42 pm
Hi Emmanuel,
Great to see you again! Thank you for sharing your thoughts!
Stacy
[Reply]
Stacy, this is some awesome piece of topic that everyone should be aware of. After all we have a mixture of people around us and we shouldn’t let anyone ruin our success plans
I’m good at setting boundaries. Especially when it comes to business I keep the boundary so tight 
Thanks for the tips!
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Stacy Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 3:42 pm
Hi Jane,
From what I know of you I am sure that you have strong boundaries!
Stacy
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Great post Stacy and I’m about to download your awesome ebook. I’ve found that Step 1, just telling ppl to stop, letting them know what they’re doing to stress me out and make my life difficult has work 90% of the time for me. Out of the remaining 10%, I have to say I completely distance myself from 9%. The last percent is my mother, so I’m kinda stuck with that. LOL. Great article. Thanks you.
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 3:43 pm
Hi Vanita,
Your response made me laugh! Yes, some people we can’t do anything about!
Stacy
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Stacy this is a great post, thanks for sharing. It’s difficult (pardon the pun) dealing with difficult people, particularly when you work online. Emails and short status updates can across as blunt or rude so you do have to be careful too.
I find the older I get the more confident I get too and am more comfortable telling someone how I honestly feel. Being able to contribute to a forum debate and actually saying – I don’t like what you’re doing is something I’m happy that I can now do. I used to shy away from it..
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 3:45 pm
Hi Lilach,
Online interactions can be very hard to read! You can see body language or hear tone! Also, how many times have we all seen people’s true colors come out on Facebook? I’ve seen too many relationships strained due to some sort of online interaction!
Stacy
[Reply]
I think the thing that’s helped me the most when dealing with difficult people is to remember that it’s rarely personal. In 99% of cases, the issues I’ve had with others come from the fact that not all people are raised to respond the same way in given situations. There’s no way I can judge other people’s responses based on what I consider to be acceptable if they’re coming from a completely different set of circumstances.
Thanks for the great tips!
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
November 25th, 2011 at 6:08 pm
That’s a fantastic point, Sarah. We never know what background someone is coming from. Not everyone has been given the same skills and gifts.
Take care,
Stacy
[Reply]
Or do what I do and work for yourself so you don’t have to deal with people you don’t want to deal with. Get rid of difficult staff, ditch difficult clients. In the end if you are working for yourself it’s entirely up to you.
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[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
December 2nd, 2011 at 3:46 pm
Dan,
That is definitely one of the benefits of working for yourself!
Stacy
[Reply]
Hi Stacy,
Great article. This is a subject I think everyone should read about.
Hurt people, hurt people.
One of the greatest thing a person can do in any situation is ask themselves “What am I getting out of this?”
For some people a known hell is better then a unknown heaven.
Unfortunately I have had to remove myself from a number of people in my life.
We first have to respect ourselves, before others will.
Another question I ask my clients is how are you training people to treat you. It is us that allows people to disrespect us. Because people don’t recognize their own value, they allow others to treat them less then.
We all deserve to be treated the best. Never compromise
Thanks for the great info,
Jeff
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
December 9th, 2011 at 5:32 pm
HI Jeff,
Thank you very much. That’s a great point that you bring up, we teach others how to treat us. That can be a tough pill to swallow, but we need to stand up for ourselves and recognize our value!
Thanks,
Stacy
[Reply]
Great article Stacy, I must agree with you not reacting to them is one of the most effective ways.
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
December 20th, 2011 at 12:54 pm
Yes, it really does help in most cases! It diffuses the situation.
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Great article. You brought out some great points concerning personal boundaries and personal safety. It is important not to make yourself a victim of a difficult person.
One other point that may be worth mentioning is to self-monitor your own behavior and make sure that you are not contributing to the situation by being a difficult person yourself.
Thank you for a great post. I invite you to read Be the Stronger Person
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
January 10th, 2012 at 10:21 am
That is a great point, Patricia! Thank you for sharing!
[Reply]
[...] them and Move On It is essential to understand that you will never be able to change the difficult person that you are dealing with. You should try to recognize what aspects of the situation are actually [...]
Hello Stacy,
what ever you said those are vary important.People who feel good about themselves want to help others feel good about themselves too.if you do any help to others with positive thinking then we get replay from others as positively .may be some one tack to you with negative thoughts then also you should give replay to them positive thinking.by doing like this there is a chance to change others mind set.
thank you for sharing your thoughts.
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I can relate to this. I’ve had to cut relationships in the past because of this. It’s hard but sometimes people don’t understand how difficult they are being and it’s just not worth the pain.
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