This is a guest post by Angela Charles, M.S., Life Coach
A number of experiences lately that have prompted me to think about the past…the good, the bad, and the ugly parts. What makes the past so compelling to recall? It’s not here anymore so you’d think it would be far removed from our minds. And yet, a particular smell, a song, or even a statement made by a new friend can instantly bring us back to another time.
I have detailed on my own blog a few of the pros and cons of nostalgia. There are numerous of arguments about the positive and negative aspects of nostalgia within the psychology and philosophy fields and if you type the word nostalgia into Google, you’ll find almost a hundred million results! So, what’s with all the interest? What are the pros and cons?
Let’s start with the good side:
- It can be fun looking back on old times, especially when we’re reminiscing with other people!
- We can learn from our mistakes in order to avoid making the same ones again.
- By remembering the people and situations that have been important to us in the past, it’s like we’re honoring them in a way and acknowledging their importance.
HOWEVER…
As I think about nostalgia and write about the different sides, I am beginning to clarify which side of the debate I’m on. The above points are all fine and good, but often times we get TOO focused on the past and find it difficult to move forward. It’s like we’re caught in quicksand, fighting to make forward progress but our bodies are stuck in one place and our minds are back somewhere else!
So, I would argue that looking back on the past can have some incredibly unhealthy repercussions on the present and future. Here’s why:
A) It can keep us from noticing new people or opportunities that appear in life today. Let’s say you dated a guy who really broke your heart. You find yourself looking at old photos, bringing him up in conversations with friends and thinking about him all the time! You go to a party and an attractive guy approaches you to chat. You hardly notice him though because you’re so distracted looking over his shoulder to see if your ex has arrived yet. There is a cute, friendly guy right in front of you that you are hardly willing to acknowledge him because all you can focus on is the guy from your past.
B) It can keep us stuck. Similar to the example above, I was pretty hung up on an ex for quite a while after we ended things. On top of that, I was working in a job I didn’t care about, watching all of my friends get married and move on with their lives and I found myself just wallowing for almost a whole year. I refused to allow myself to stop dreaming of the way things used to be and accept the way things were. I was stuck, discouraged, unmotivated and depressed.
C) It can give us a false sense of what’s real. Picture this scenario: A family is arguing all night. They pause momentarily to take a picture. Looking back you would never guess this was the same family that had been fighting – the picture distorted reality – because in it they are all smiles. Similarly, when we recall the past, our memories tend to be a little rosier than the reality actually was. This can be dangerous when it comes to rekindling an unhealthy romance, reuniting with a toxic friend or going back to a job you have forgotten you really used to hate. If we can’t recall things the way they really were, we may end up back in some tough situations rather than learning from them and moving on.
So the question is… how do you preserve the memories (end even enjoy looking back from time-to-time) but still move forward with your life?
1) Work through the real issue. Here’s what I mean: If you’re still stuck on that guy who broke your heart, the real issue might be that you’re lonely. Or perhaps you feel insecure about showing up dateless to big events now that you no longer have that readily-available plus one. Or maybe you’re bored because you don’t have anyone to hang out with on Friday nights. Whatever the real issue is, focus on that instead of the guy, because he’s gone and it’s time to move on!
2) Use the past to inform your future, but stop living in it! The past can be useful. The memories of past experiences where we hurt ourselves or got in trouble etc. can serve as reminders to either avoid those kinds of situations in the future or handle them differently.
3) Preserve the memories with photo albums and journals. There is something powerful about getting the memories out of your head and onto a page (whether it’s a journal page or a scrapbook)! That way, you still have them in a safe place, but your mind is freed up to be more alert and aware of what’s going on today!
4) If possible, get closure. This may mean having a tough conversation to let someone know how you feel. It may mean confessing something you’ve done that has caused you to carry around feelings of guilt for years. Or, if it isn’t possible (or wouldn’t be healthy) to actually speak to someone directly, you can write a letter. Whether you send the letter or not, merely writing your feelings down will help. Counselors frequently use this technique to help people express themselves when they can’t actually do so in person.
5) Talk to someone. Sometimes having a sounding board is all you need to clarify how you really feel and move forward. Whether it’s a friend, mentor, spouse or professional, that objective point-of-view can be crucial in helping you understand why you’re feeling stuck and how to get past it.
I hope this has been helpful! For more posts like this, check out my blog, Habit-Forming Success.
photo credit: helgabj
This post was written by a guest blogger. See the post for information about this blogger.
Connect
Hi Angela,
I totally agree that looking at the past can be dangerous…
I think that remembering our good times is great, as long as we don’t go overboard and stop living in the present. But this would exclude bad relationships – remembering those doesn’t actually feel truly good. We may be ignoring the underlying negative feelings, but therein lies the rub- if we can identify those thoughts that don’t feel good and eliminate or release them, and then focus only on those thoughts and memories (and visions of the future) that feel truly good, we align ourselves with more experiences like that.
I especially like how you highlighted the idea to recognize and work through the real issue – when we pay attention to how we really feel, we can get to heart of what’s truly going on. This was an excellent breakdown. (you and I use different language, but we’re basically saying the same thing.)
Hugs,
Melody
Melody | DeliberateReceiving invites you to read… The Anatomy Of An Abusive Relationship
[Reply]
I agree with you. So often we don’t get to the heart of the matter because we are afraid to look at what is actually going on. Either that or we are so driven by our emotions that we become clouded and unable to see. So much of our actions relate to emotions or issues under the surface and if we can somehow get the courage to face those we can move forward with a lot more clarity and room for new joy and purpose. Thanks for your comment!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
[...] Leave the Past in the Past and Move Forward Toward the Future! [...]
Angela,
It might be silly, but this post reminds me of that Dear Abby quote from the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding. The brother of the bride tells her, “Don’t let your past dictate who you are, but let it be a part of who you become.” I think that’s the perfect summarizing quote, and you explained it all perfectly! This was a great read, thanks for posting here!
Lizzy
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 2nd, 2011 at 11:47 am
That is not silly at all! Great summary! Thanks for commenting!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
Angela C. invites you to read… “Leave the Past in the Past and Move Forward Toward the Future”
[Reply]
This is really valuable advice. I had a really bad break up once and I eventually figured some of this stuff out on my own, but it was really tough. I wish I would have had this to read when I was going through it. Saving this for future help to friends!
[Reply]
I am glad you found it helpful. It’s always easier in retrospect so even if you had this in front of you during your breakup it probably would have been harder to get it to sink in at the time. But, there’s definitely something powerful about knowing someone relates to you! Thanks for commenting.
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
Angela C. invites you to read… “Leave the Past in the Past and Move Forward Toward the Future”
[Reply]
This is really very good and informative article.This article motivated me to look forward.Thanks for the advice.
Shivam Garg invites you to read… Glowhost Coupon
[Reply]
I am glad you found it motivating!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
Angela C. invites you to read… “Leave the Past in the Past and Move Forward Toward the Future”
[Reply]
Yes past can always be a part of our life but always remember that present is here and the future is waiting…We have to make the most out of our time…
Clark Minn invites you to read… Healthy & Practical Meal Plans for Weight Loss
[Reply]
Angela Reply:
August 6th, 2011 at 6:44 pm
Very true. Its important to make the most of whatever season we’re in.
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 5:58 am
Yes, all of our time is valuable… past, present and future.
Angela
http://www.habitforminguccess.com
[Reply]
I think you have written a very nice article and it can be applied for everyone. All of are always attached with our past memories whether they are good one or bad. But life circle never stops and we also need to move on with it to enjoy its each stage. Life is very short and don’t waste it in one corner, Come out from your mind cage and check whats going on outside.
Atulperx invites you to read… 20 Free Premium WordPress Themes – 2011 May Edition
[Reply]
Past and Future – both are equally hard to ignore. Its only present which we are ignoring so easily and letting go of so many interesting opportunities.
Maninder invites you to read… Guest Posting: Write for HackTik and Get Free Banner Ad Slot
[Reply]
I think the best what to Move Forward is to change your environment. the people around you or the one you keep in touch with, they are the people that influence you the most. so if you do even one change in life it will take you to another place.
katie invites you to read… נטורופתיה/לימודי נטורופתיה
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 6:27 am
Yes, one small change can make a powerful impact!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
Very well said,yes it is true leave the past and move on to a better future,like what i did last month i made a biggest mistake i consider my self as a disgrace person after i realized this trails given to me because God know i can handle things to move on. and now i am moving to a better future.
Maria Jhones invites you to read… angry birds tips
[Reply]
Nostalgia isn’t bad or destructive in itself but with inappropriate “use”, it could. Here;s to moving on and moving forward!
Anne Reese invites you to read… How to calculate your BMI
[Reply]
I don’t like focusing on the past either. Sometimes my wife gets upset that I can forget the troubles of the day before each time I wake up.
It keeps me positive and focused on making each day the best it can.
Bryce Christiansen invites you to read… Captain America’s Guide to Leadership
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 4th, 2011 at 9:04 am
Well, I think guys have an easier time of that than us ladies.
But it is definitely something healthy we can all work towards getting better at. Thanks for commenting!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
Angela C. invites you to read… “Leave the Past in the Past and Move Forward Toward the Future”
[Reply]
Hi there. Thanks for sharing this nice article. You right, we need to leave our past behind. It’s good to do that you know.
Andrew Walker invites you to read… Babies1st Coupon Code
[Reply]
Such valuable advices.Thanks so much for your sharing.no one want to get Break-up but it’s important that We must know how to pass it and leave all thing behind
Suteki invites you to read… How many calories for losing weight
[Reply]
The past can ruin anyone who has got a bitter past..and you are right about leaving it behind to PAST itself….No need to go back if it will just cause so much pain and depression. No need to go back it will just cause you stumble in the future.
tiffany invites you to read… Top Free Dating Sites
[Reply]
Agree!! Thanks for commenting!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
You’ve made some great points with this article!
There’s a good reason the past keeps nagging us: because we have something to learn from it. Once the lesson is learned, then we get a chance to embrace the future and make the best of it!
Pedro Cardoso invites you to read… The Largest Extreme Ironing Gallery in the World! (+75 pics)
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 6:04 am
You make a good point. Sometimes the past does stick with us because we have “unfinished business” to attend to. A cnoversation that needs to be had or a lesson learned… Once we work through the issue, sometimes it is easier to move on.
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
Moving forward is a tough task…even when we really want to. It takes a lot of fortitude and perseverance to move forward emotionally (I”m thinking specifically of a relationship collapse).
It can be done and your commonsense advice and step by step approach is really helpful…especially when one is in pain or shock.
It is so important to have support and someone there to point in a clear direction.
Steve @ Karmic Kappuccino invites you to read… Take a Flying Leap! No, Really…Jump!
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 6:14 am
Support is crucial. Especially to help you remember things clearly so that you avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
Hi Stacy, this is a tough one to be honest. I’ve been stuck in the past for a while. I think the biggest problem for me has been closure … when there is none.
It’s a battle you have to teach yourself to fight.
As I say though, it is imperative you dont miss the reality of now.
I must say I am 98% better than I was a few years ago. I refuse to drift back on most days and simply focus on what is before me. Otherwise as you say it is unhealthy and it can definitely be like quicksand.
Thankfully, things do get easier when you are aware of all the current blessings.
Jayne
Jayne Kopp invites you to read… My 4 Year Anniversary as a Work at Home Mom!
[Reply]
This post really spoke out to me. I went through a really bad break-up about 6 months ago and I’ve been a different person ever since. I’m just starting to feel functional again and I couldn’t have read this at a better time. I’m coming to the realization that I’m living in the past and therefore cheating the present and harming the future. Time to make some change. Thank you for sharing.
Chelsea
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 6:25 am
Hey Chelsea,
I have been through a similar situation… it is a process. If you had read this 5-6 months ago it may not have impacted you as much because you were in the thick of it. But now, with a little more perspective and healing you can really apply it to your life. I’m glad it was helpful!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
These are excellent strategies to move beyond what we’re holding on to, Angela. It’s so important to live in the present and be fully “here” instead of being stuck in the quicksand of the past.
Michelle Shaeffer invites you to read… Looking for Blog Post Ideas?
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 6:26 am
I agree. If we are always looking toward what’s next or what has already occured, we will have a hard time ever being content and fully present NOW. Thanks for your comment!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
There is a song whose lyric is “don’t waste tomorrow chasing yersterday”. It’s my attitude. We should move on. Never let the past influnce or control us. Whatever, life is life, we should live on today.
sunny @iphone bumper invites you to read… Purported iPhone 5 Proximity/Ambient Light Sensor
[Reply]
i totally agree,few months ago i had really a big problem and i thought i may regret my life,but i am so glad that i have wonderful sister who always give me an advice telling me that i need to leave my past and to have a better future.i am so blessed i have sister who always there for me ups and down.
Ruchelle invites you to read… angry birds tutorial
[Reply]
Yeah, Be bygones bygones, move on straight forward…
hannamay invites you to read… Luxury Ski Chalets
[Reply]
I agree! past is past they never change, we need to move on towards to our future.
Fetter Pan invites you to read… angry birds tips
[Reply]
that’s right! we should always keep on going and just move forward.. leave the past behind.. i can still remember my first heart break… i used to hold back, i thought that i could not get through with it but then i realized that it’s done, it’s over, he’s not coming back and so i must move on and start a new life again..
marie invites you to read… game angry birds online
[Reply]
that’s right! we should always keep on going and just move forward.. leave the past behind.. i can still remember my first heart break… i used to hold back, i thought that i could not get through with it but then i realized that it’s done, it’s over, he’s not coming back and so i must move on and start a new life again..
marie invites you to read… angry birds pc download
[Reply]
I really love this post, our past moment it is really hard to leave it, but we need to move on towards to our future, seriously i am so thankful that i found this site… thanks.
Danissan Ramos invites you to read… play online angry birds
[Reply]
Great post, Angela! You are so right about seeing the past in a nostalgic light. My mother-in-law keeps talking about how there was a time when everyone was so happy and close together, and I can’t help but think of all of the stories of abuse and neglect from her rich miser ex-husband that I’ve heard, and I’ve gotten to the point where I just call it out, because I’ve seen what it does to people to have such rose-colored glasses on. Remembering the past is important, but we have to do it in an honest way that helps us move forward.
Steve Nicholas invites you to read… Success on Your Own Terms
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 6:10 am
Isn’t it interesting how we protect ourselves from painful memories? Our memories can become so clouded sometimes and it’s really scary because if we’re not careful we may find ourselves walking back into dangerous situations again. Calling her out from time to time will hopefully help her remember things more clearly so that she doesn’t get involved with someone abusive again in the future.
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
interesting post.. some people have a hard time moving forward and letting go of their past.. maybe because of the thought that they cannot do it or maybe they are just afraid to try something new..
duncan invites you to read… TEENAGE DATING SITES
[Reply]
interesting post.. some people have a hard time moving forward and letting go of their past.. maybe because of the thought that they cannot do it or maybe they are just afraid to try something new..
duncan invites you to read… TEENAGE DATING SITES
[Reply]
Old times should only be remembered as learning times, there’s no point in pondering over what’s lost. The past has a historic significance, keeping us from repeating the mistakes we’ve made. For everything else we have the future to think about.
Amit@Forklift Training invites you to read… Forklift Operator Salary
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 6:06 am
Yes, there is significance in learning from the past and avoiding making the same mistakes again. And there is even nothing wrong with just reminiscing and enjoying experiences we’ve had in the past. It’s when we cling too tightly and refuse to let go, that we can run into problems.
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
Yes i am agree with Amit but we cannot say we already forget to our past it’s because there is time of our life that even the wounds are healed but the scars is always there,yes we move on in the time that we felt were better person.
Jackilyn invites you to read… toys for angry birds
[Reply]
i don’t think we should just leave our past. it’s ok to carry them with you, because the past helps you see the future, it makes you predict and reminds you of the mistakes you did, but i think what’s wrong is reliving the past everyday and deciding your life ‘for’ the past and not ‘from’ the past.
hundredmiller invites you to read… angry birds
[Reply]
Great advice – especially the part about photo albums and journals. I’ve been keeping both since I was a little girl and it definitely helps me to keep the past in the past, but still be able to easily re-visit it if I ever need to!
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 9th, 2011 at 6:11 am
Exactly! I am glad that has been helpful!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
This was exactly what I needed right now as I am in such a difficult period of my life! Thank you Angela!
I think the most important thing among these were that I should stop trying to live the past. Cheers!
Anna@Cosmetic Dentistry invites you to read… Bad breath? I give you some “home-made” solutions.
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 13th, 2011 at 12:04 pm
Yay! So glad! Best of luck.
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
This is just right for those whose past are keeping them from the change they want. Really good.
Christy invites you to read… Hello world!
[Reply]
Hi Angela , your piece made me consider my own personal journey and my relationship with my past ,a relationship that has made me reach for the
depression vitamins and burying my head in the sand hoping my past would leave me alone , i recognise the value in moving forward slowly and with consistancy but carrying the baggage of my past behind as i try to move forward has made my journey harder . Time to let go i think .Let the healing begin.
Marina from Dublin
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 13th, 2011 at 12:01 pm
Good perspective. Focus on the healing and forward movement you are capable of… be consistent, as you mentioned, and persist toward a bright future. Many blessings!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
It’s easier said than done to live in the moment. Our minds have evolved to do more than that… Nonetheless, it’s still good to remind ourselves that we have to do our best to balance it all; the past, the present, and the future.
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
August 13th, 2011 at 12:03 pm
Much easier said than done. But we have a lot more power over our minds than we think we do.
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
Leave our past is hard for me because i remember my happiness moment and it never back, i don’t wanna leave them but i want to look forward for my future.
Alfon Jazon invites you to read… angry birds for pc
[Reply]
I have some achievements in life by getting lesson from my past.I think for successful life it is great formula.
[Reply]
Great post!
The title says it all! “leave the past and move forward”
No matter what has happened in the past, we must be able to ignore it and focus on creating a better life for ourselves. We must realize that our life is in our own hands – we have full control! Sure, there are obstacles and hurdles, but we can work around those.
Focus on the here and now – as well as the future!
Great post!
Brock Blohm invites you to read… How My Life Changed In Only 30 Seconds
[Reply]
Angela C. Reply:
September 16th, 2011 at 11:04 am
Yes the here and now is so important! Investing and being present so there are no regrets down the road! Thanks for commenting!
Angela
http://www.habitformingsuccess.com
[Reply]
It is good to learn from your past but sometimes it holds you down like weights.
[Reply]
I do like this idea of just moving on. I tend to get bogged down sometimes by the little things.
[Reply]
I for one am a little puzzled: how can you learn from your past mistakes if you put the past behind? Remembering old learned lessons will always remember you the context in which you’ve learned it? I guess some people can handle it while others just don’t… Either way, you can’t just put the past behind…
[Reply]
Couldn’t agree more! Being stuck in the past it’s the worst thing that can happen to your present, future and potentially whole life!
[Reply]