You cannot love others without first loving yourself.
How does the above comment strike you?
Did you squirm a little when you read it? Do you feel that it would be conceited to agree with it?
Or do you perhaps agree with it wholeheartedly?
I agree with the statement fully now but there was a long time in my life that I did not agree with that statement at all. It made me squirm and it just sounded wrong to me. I didn’t understand anything about what it meant to love myself.
For so long I was full of self loathing that the concept of self love was thoroughly foreign to me. I was searching for love and acceptance in all of the wrong places. I wanted desperately to fill the gaping hole in my life but I was looking for the answers where they were not to be found.
Where it Began
I remember when I was in the fifth grade and suddenly a majority of the kids in that grade were obsessed with popularity and being cool. I was not among those kids, I was happy reading books and doing my own thing. I had zero interest in being told what to do in order to receive approval.
You can imagine how well that went over.
I’ll skip a bunch of painful details but by the end of the year one girl who decided that she didn’t like me (though we’d been good friends in the past) who had climbed the ranks of popularity used her power to turn nearly the entire class against me. The following school year I learned to hide and be as close to invisible as possible, I didn’t want to have any confrontations I just wanted to take the path of least resistance.
By the time that school year was over this pale-skinned, freckle faced, frizzy haired, super skinny, shortest girl in the class felt like a total freak. (At least it was the very late 80s so the frizzy hair wasn’t seen as bad as it would be by today’s standards!) I really felt like there were no redeeming qualities in me and that I’d been cursed by the universe.
I didn’t feel like I had anyone to talk about what a freak I believed I was so I took all of my hurt and frustration out in writing. I wrote book after book about these two rivals, one was the most popular girl in the class and the other was the nerdiest girl alive. At least I got some writing skills out of the whole thing! I now love to write and would still love to publish a novel.
I was fortunate enough to go to a junior high with a different group of kids than I’d gone to elementary school with so the following year was a fresh start, though I did still feel like a freak I at least knew that I could start over. I made a good group of friends and I started to feel better about myself, but not completely.
My Solution
I still felt like a freak and I still did not like myself. I had come up with an idea that would solve all of my self love issues: I would get myself a boyfriend. That would surely be the recipe for success! Not only would someone love me but then I could show the world that I was worthy of someone’s love.
Did I ever have a lot to learn about relationships! My whole motive for starting a ‘romantic’ relationship was to fill my emotional holes and show the world that I was worthy of love. I had no thoughts about what I would give to the other person, it was all about me and my needs. I ended up constantly having boyfriends throughout my teen years, I don’t think that I ever went much more than a month without one.
I was so obsessed with boyfriends that I alienated myself from most of my friends and I convinced myself that I didn’t care. I was only concerned with having a boyfriend, with being worth something.
This pattern continued through college though I began making changes in my thought patterns and beliefs after becoming a Christian. I learned that I was not designed to hate myself – the second command is to ‘love others as yourself’, the assumption is that we are to love ourselves!
A Rude Awakening
A few months after graduating college I got married and I still held onto many of my old beliefs of needing a man to fill my emotional holes. Those holes became even more obvious after getting married when (surprise, surprise) my husband did not meet all of my needs and fill all of my emotional holes.
For a while I thought that he was the problem, that it was his fault for not making me feel whole. I thought that if he was doing his job I would feel like a princess and love would shine out through every cell of my body.
Obviously I had some very unrealistic expectations that I had to let go of and I had to find a way to feel whole, to experience self love, on my own. It wasn’t going to come from another person, only I could find those answers for myself.
Even if my husband, or anyone else for that matter, was able to be perfect and love me perfectly I would not be able to experience it without first loving myself. Any love that I was given was not entering my experience because it contradicted my beliefs and my self loathing. It was like trying to get opposing magnets to attach.
Eventually though I did learn how to love myself…
8 Self Love Lessons Learned
1. Loving yourself is not selfish. If you want to be truly selfless you need to give love to others, if you don’t love yourself you can’t love others.
2. You can’t give someone else what you don’t have. If you don’t first love yourself you are incapable of receiving fully the love others have to give you and you are also incapable of truly loving others.
3. People that love themselves treat others well. You don’t see someone who loves him or herself treating others poorly. They love themselves and find great joy in sharing that love with others.
4. Self love is healthy, conceit is not. Conceit is not coming from a place of love but a place of lack. People worry about being better than someone else when they are insecure about themselves.
5. Self love means acceptance. When you love yourself you don’t need to beat yourself up for mistakes, you learn from your mistakes and make amends when necessary. A mistake is something that happens to everyone and someone who has self love and security can look at a mistake and simply say, “Lesson learned!”
6. Self love means that you can laugh at yourself. You know that you don’t have to be perfect or live up to anyone’s standards so you can laugh at yourself and not take yourself too seriously. You can have fun with life, friends and yourself.
7. The more you give it away the more it grows. There is a song by Michael W Smith that says that love isn’t love until you give it away and it’s very true. The more of your love that you give away the more your own love will grow within you. That’s one reason that people love to volunteer, more is gained than was given.
8. It is a work in progress. You are always growing and learning, you never “arrive” or “achieve”. We also experience setbacks which can be a great time for growth.
I want to hear from you. What does self love mean to you? How has this view changed over time? Please share in the comments!
To Your Success,
I was very honored when Evelyn Lim of Abundance Tapestry invited me to be a part of her Self Love Series. This post is part of that series and will be included in a free ebook so if you enjoyed this post keep a lookout for my announcement about the book when it is published.
Thank you for reading! I'm Stacy, the owner of this blog. You can learn more about me here.
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Stacey,
Those teenage years we spend in school can be really challenging ones. It just seems like the concept of self love is difficult (although not impossible) with everything going on in school – like this whole idea of “popularity”. I wonder if there’s something that can be done, at home, to change this?? If children feel loved and cared for at home, does that make a difference? (I like to hope it does as I have three kids, all in those teenage years right now).
Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your story. In this very honest and real sharing, you give others permission to see themselves in a truer light. And from that place, begin to move more fully into the loving of self.
Much love to you,
Lance
Lance@Jungle of Life invites you to read… Love- Where Does It Start
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:19 pm
Hi Lance,
I would like to think that kids who feel safe talking to their parents would be able to fare better with the school dramas/traumas. I have seen some kids who are able to talk to their parents and they seem to be able to handle school issues better because they have the advantage of parental wisdom.
The key is for the parents to be non-condemning and non-critical of what the kids say. They need to be accepting and guiding. When kids are condemned and criticized by their parents it really is damaging.
Stacy
[Reply]
Great post stacy. Really powerful lesson. I struggled with the same issue growing up. Self love was really a challenge to learn.
steven rice invites you to read… Entrapments of Security
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:20 pm
Thank you, Steve! You’ve obviously grown a lot since those school days!
Stacy
[Reply]
You went through a different boyfriend each month? Where on earth did you put all those broken hearts Stacy? LOL
This is a subject close to my heart. Many people mistake self love with narcissism. The difference is that narcissism is self love to the exclusion of everyone else. Not caring about anyone else. Self love is as you describe it, to have that self confidence and balance to be able to care for others in a way that is safe and comfortable.
The way you write this Stacy remind me of my own style of sharing openly.
I went to an all boys school from age 11 so girls were a bit of an alien species. I fell in love all the time but was terrified to approach girls for fear of them disliking me. I had a very poor self image in those days.
Thank you for a great blog today.
Marty invites you to read… Why Is Nobody Listening To Me
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:34 pm
Hi Marty,
No, not a different boyfriend each month, I just didn’t go much more than a full month without one. One lasted four years.
Yes, Marty you do write openly. That is one of the things that makes you such a great writer!
Have a great weekend,
Stacy
[Reply]
Aw, Stacy, School kids can be so horrible. I was relatively lucky, although I had my share of challenges for short bouts here and there. Its is so wonderful you understand the human condition. I find this road of self love and discovery is so important. We are also very lucky we have the ability to understand these feeling so we can share them with our children.
You’ve come a long way baby!! If you are like me, you will always find issues with yourself. Mine is actually ‘self forgiveness’ first… rather than what others feel about me, even though I know inside I’m really not ‘that’ bad… we tend to sometimes allow minor flaws to hold us in one place.
We are complicated little being are we not?
I think you have turned into a beautiful human (and probably always have been). I’m glad you are loving yourself more now!
Jayne
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:37 pm
Hi Jayne,
Thank you! I’m sure that we will always find something, it’s a constant work in progress.
You are an amazing person too! Thank you!
Stacy
[Reply]
Thank you so much for sharing this, Stacy. I moved from Germany to a small city in America when I was 10, and didn’t fit in at all. I know exactly what it feels like to be a freak… And although it was painful, I like to think that all the crap I went through was the basis for all the tremendous growth I experienced later. The pain drove me to find answers and a way to feel better.
I couldn’t agree more that self love is not selfish. Since we’re all connected, we love and benefit the whole by loving and caring for ourselves. No one can love us enough to make us feel loved, except for ourselves.
Hugs,
Melody
Melody | DeliberateReceiving invites you to read… Using TV Shows to Stabilize Your Vibration
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:43 pm
Hi Melody,
I think you’re right, the pain that we experience in life can drive us to grow and change in ways that we wouldn’t have otherwise.
Thank you for sharing!
Stacy
[Reply]
Stacy,
Great post. It’s a message that I’ve heard often enough but it bears repeating. I’ve had many of the same struggles as you throughout my life, and it’s only in the last few years that I have learned to finally (!) like myself for who I am. It’s the starting point for being able to truly be in an honest relationship with friends and family.
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:44 pm
Jennifer,
Accepting ourselves is definitely the starting point for being able to truly love others and have meaningful relationships. Though it’s definitely something that we have to experience to fully understand, at least for me!
Thanks for sharing,
Stacy
[Reply]
Hello Stacy,
Beautiful sharing!! I can totally relate to “I ended up constantly having boyfriends”. I feared being alone and detested the feeling of loneliness. And later, I realized that I needed to learn to be comfortable being on my own. That’s when my neediness subsided.
Thank you, Stacy, once gain for participating in my Self-Love Project. I look forward to connecting more with you
With love,
Evelyn
Evelyn Lim invites you to read… Self Love Series- Keys to Unconditional Self-Acceptance
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:46 pm
Hi Evelyn,
Thank you so much! I know that I related a lot to your self love story on so many levels! We’ve definitely been through a lot of the same things.
Thank you for starting this project, I can’t wait to see the final book!
With love,
Stacy
[Reply]
Stacy, what a great post. So many self-love articles are complex…your was perfectly simple and well-stated. I also love that you exposed your own experiences, especially the adult ones. I struggle with self-love issues constantly, and your post is very inspiring. Thanks for the honesty. Rock it out, girl!
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:52 pm
Hi Nicci,
Thank you very much! I hope that you can soon get to the point where you don’t struggle so much with the self love issues. Keep working at it and you will see changes. Have you tried affirmations?
Stacy
[Reply]
Stacy as usual you make me smile. I like how you speak of self love I am trying to overcome many faults I have recently realized in myself. Which I feel is the first step in self betterment is realizing what needs fixing.
Valerie invites you to read… Bistro MD Discount Coupon Code
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:54 pm
Hi Valerie,
Thank you! One great step in self betterment is to remove yourself from your actions. For instance if you lost your temper, step back and instead of judging yourself say, “Look at that, I just lost my temper.” Don’t add anything to that saying, stepping back and looking at it without judging takes away it’s power and allows you to move on.
Take care,
Stacy
[Reply]
Got here using Global CommentLuv Search on comluv. Nice post, you have covered the issue in great depth. Kudos. Really informative. Will surely help me in future posts for my blog.
MOhammed Suhaib invites you to read… How to Start a Restaurant
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Thank you, I’m glad the post was able to help you.
[Reply]
Definitely you cant love others before loving yourself! I sometimes look at it from a different angle when I try to help people out. At the end of the day, I try to do my best to help the person out, but I cant love him/her more than the person loves himself therefore I ask of them to make some effort too.
Martinsays: Thanks
Martin invites you to read… Introducing my first baby- Smatr SM Bar WordPress plugin
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:58 pm
Thank you, Martin. You make a great point!
Stacy
[Reply]
I believe “love” holds so many meanings and it’s such a powerful word. I definitely agree that being able to love, or be loved, starts with how we perceive ourselves. Why and how can someone else love us, if we don’t feel that way about ourselves? This is a great article that shows how we need to feel about ourselves first, before others.
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 27th, 2011 at 2:59 pm
Thank you, Jen. Great points!
Stacy
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yes,i agree with the statement fully now but there was a long time in my life that I did not agree with that statement at all.
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 29th, 2011 at 4:11 pm
It seems very common! I’m glad you agree with it now.
[Reply]
I wholeheartedly agree with you, Stacy, about the importance of self-love! We are supposed to give from overflow, not deficit, so we have to fill our own cup first.
And I am amazed at the similarities in our stories. I had the same thing happen around 4th or 5th grade, lost my best friend because the popular girls talked her into not being friends anymore. And then, I had no friends.
Took a while to work through that experience!
Great post, Stacy!!
Jeanine
Jeanine Byers Hoag @ Dressing My Truth invites you to read… Capsule Wardrobe Essentials for Signature Style on a Budget
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
May 29th, 2011 at 4:12 pm
Hi Jeanine,
It seems like that age is really rough for girls (probably boys too, but I didn’t experience that!) I’m glad that you were able to work through it, you’re a wonderful person.
Stacy
[Reply]
when u love to someone u need to love ur self first…
[Reply]
Hi Stacy,
I love this post. Just the other day, I posted on Facebook, “I’m okay with God, so I should be okay with me.” Guilt is an obstacle to spiritual growth. We need to be convinced that Jesus took our guilt away, that it’s okay to be proceeding to the kingdom of God. I hope your marriage got better. Emotional satisfaction can only come from the Lord, and if your marriage is centered on each other, neither one will be satisfied. A Christian spouse should not be jealous of your affection for the Lord and putting Him first in the center of your life. Thanks for sharing.
Lou Barba
[Reply]
Hi Stacy,
believe it or not, your story reminds pretty much of my own. I agree with you in all points: Loving others is only possible and healthy for either party if and when we truly love ourselves. It’s selfish to try to prevent other from loving themselves. The question is: What is their flaw ?
As you mention the second command, it has a logical flaw: Love others as you love yourself. Hm, what happens if someone hates himself ? Does this give him the permission to hate others too ? This command should also command people to love themselves first. Could it be possible that it creates a downward spirale if someone or even a group of people doesn’t love themselves ? Even the Golden Rule has this flaw: If someone had low standards and would accept it if they were treated bad, they might treat others bad as well.
Without a minimum standard, this rules and commands work into the wrong direction…
Thanks for your thought-provoking post.
Take care
Oliver
Oliver Tausend invites you to read… The Goose That Laid The Golden Eggs
[Reply]
Well yes, you are absolutely right! Its just like that. You will see many people desperate for relationships just in order to have one, but why the previous one ended? Because they did not have enough of understanding. My first point would be to understanding themselves first, then trying to socialize with others.
Joshua@Plumbing training invites you to read… Plumbing Practice Test
[Reply]
Stacy, aloha. Congratulations on your tremendous personal growth. WOW! You truly have been through it and express it so well.
Congratulations too on being a part of Evelyn’s ebook. “Abundance Tapestry” is a terrific name which makes me want to read me. Please do keep me posted with the release date.
Stacy, you are so right that if you do not love yourself, you have nothing to give. As you learned you must be “whole” rather than “empty” to give.
Oftentimes, Stacy, I think people use the words selfish incorrectly. When you think about it, when people say someone is selfish it is quite frequently because the other person will not do what they want.
They are selfish only because they will not do or give what the other person wants/need. This is, of course, why people who are “pleasers” have such a difficult time. By attempting to please everyone, they please no one and they hurt themselves.
Beautifully expressed post, Stacy. From what I read it your posts now, it seems that you have “life” pretty well figured out and are designing it as you want. Kudos to you, my friend.
Best wishes for a wonderful holiday weekend. Aloha. Janet
Janet @ The Natural Networker invites you to read… Are You Personally Impersonal Online By Janet Callaway The Natural Networker
[Reply]
HI Stacy,
I remember in my elementary and high school years, all I wanted to do was blend in and not stand out. Pretty much what everyone else was doing as well, as I remember it. Not sure anyone in my class had an ounce of self love. Jayne is right — at that age, the cruelty can be vicious.
I love your 6th tip — loving yourself means you can laugh at yourself. It took me a long time to learn this, but once I did it was if a weight had been lifted off my soldiers. As my son likes to say, “It’s not like the house is on fire!” Once I adopted this philosophy, life became easier and it also became easier to accept my flaws and love myself. As you said, it’s not conceit. It’s acceptance, the base for self love.
Great discussion, Stacy!
Dr. Bob Clarke@Part Time Networker invites you to read… Your Next Blog Post Idea Sent Right To Your Inbox
[Reply]
What I appreciated the most about this post is how much it made me think and question the love in my life right now.
I always appreciate when I find inspiration to explore other parts of myself. After 4 years of marriage and the change from a career woman to mother, I’ve found more value and happiness in my life than ever before. I love myself more than ever, but fear that the amount I extend to my children leaves me with little left for my constantly deployed spouse.
I so appreciate this realization received from the openess of your words- thank you.
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
June 1st, 2011 at 6:57 pm
Hi Kelsey,
Thank you for taking the time to share.
I’m glad that this post has helped.
Stacy
[Reply]
Hi Stacy,
I enjoyed reading you story and how far you’ve come. Well done.
Learning to love ourselves is everybody’s journey on this earth I believe.
We all get to a point of believing we are not enough but when one finally realizes that one needs nothing outside of ourselves then we can truly connect with who we are. Then we need for nothing outside ourselves to fill the holes like you say.
I also liked how you pointed out that it is continual journey.
Great post Stacy.
~Marcus
Marcus Baker@ Netrwork Marketing Internet Business invites you to read… Do you Know What Oprah Winfrey Knows
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
June 1st, 2011 at 6:58 pm
Hi Marcus,
Thank you for sharing. It’s definitely a path that we must take ourselves and nobody can do it for us.
Thanks Marcus!
Stacy
[Reply]
Self-love is something that you can leave for yourself. Because there are some people who give all their love to their partner that’s why when they broke up, they attempt to suicide because they could not accept to themselves that their love is not good enough.
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
June 1st, 2011 at 7:02 pm
I am sorry that you know people who have gone through such difficult experiences. I hope that they were able to grow in their self love.
Stacy
[Reply]
Hi Stacy,
Growing up with low self-esteem, I can very much appreciate what you shared here. I love the transformation and the breakthrough you had just by the simple decision to love yourself! How much do people like me is really determined by how much I like myself.
Congratulations for being part of the Self Love Series in Abundance Tapestry. Well done , Stacy.
Thanks for this personal, inspiring post.
- Rowena
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
June 3rd, 2011 at 7:50 am
Hi Rowena,
Thank you! From everything I know about you are a wonderful person!
I hope that you have grown in self love over the years. I know it took me a long time, and it still is a journey.
Take care
Stacy
[Reply]
Self love complete the personality and divert one’s attention towards positive thinking.Self love is another name of learning.
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[Reply]
My daughter is a shy, quiet girl in middle school and i’m scared that she will not be able to cope with all the issues she may come across throughout her high school years… I’m going to show her your blog and have her read through it because you have some wonderful advice here! Keep up the awesome blog stacy
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
June 9th, 2011 at 2:14 pm
Hi Pete,
Thank you, and I hope this is of help to your daughter!
Take care,
Stacy
[Reply]
Hi Stacy,
When we don’t love ourselves, envy comes into play. We start hating people because we believe they’re better than us. And this hate consumes all our time and thoughts.
But once we start to admit we deserve love, we’ll become equals and gain confidence.
Truth is, once can’t succeed in this line of work without confidence.
I’m glad you got over your problems in the end.
Antonia@Conversational hypnosis invites you to read… Using Hypnotic Language
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
June 17th, 2011 at 3:40 pm
Thank you, Antonia. Yes, confidence is really important!
[Reply]
I find your advice to be so true. I think people often try to give love to others before themselves because they don’t want to be selfish. You are so right though, loving yourself first is the only way that you can truly love others. Thanks for the advice!
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
July 21st, 2011 at 5:02 pm
It seems counter intuitive but it really is so true!
[Reply]
I really like the mention of expecting your husband to make you “whole.” As I was experiencing similar issues as these, I found myself blaming my boyfriend for things that really were my own to deal with. It wasn’t until I stopped expecting him to fill my emotional voids that our relationship started to grow. Keep the good advice coming, I really enjoy your articles.
[Reply]
Stacy Reply:
July 21st, 2011 at 5:03 pm
Thank you for sharing that story, I’m sure that your relationship really grew a lot after you made that discovery! Congratulations!
[Reply]
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