One day several years ago I had just finished some grocery shopping, I had my cart overflowing with groceries and other needed items. I was anxious to get home because I had a lot to do after I unloaded all the groceries. To my dismay when I got to the line I saw that there were literally ten people in each line and it didn’t look like any of the lines were moving very fast at all. I was very frustrated and I felt like everything was out of my control…I thought that everything would fall apart if I didn’t get home ASAP.
As I stood in one of the long lines I started fuming, I was upset with my schedule which at the time I felt was scheduled for me and not by me. I was also angry about all the full lines. Since I was in that line for a long time, I had the chance to think for a while and I realized that I did actually have control over more than I felt like I did.
If I really needed to get home, I could just leave the shopping cart and go home. It would have been a waste of the forty minutes I had just spent putting items into the cart, even though it was not ideal it was a choice. I also had the choice to make the best of the situation that I was in. I decided to make that choice and I was able to have a nice conversation with someone else who was frustrated with the wait.
Just knowing that I had choices and making the best of them helped me through the situation. Over the years I have learned more about control than I ever thought possible. I have learned what I can control and what I cannot control, and knowing the difference between the two is a very valuable life skill. Although not the same as waiting in a long line, it is very beneficial to recognize and use my choices in other areas of my life. I had spent too much time not seeing all of my choices and also getting upset with others because the choices I saw were not the choices I would want. When I was in the grocery line, I would have rather had the choice of a short line, but that was not the reality of my choices, I needed to find other choices that I didn’t see immediately. I had to make due with what choices I was given, and I have to do that in life as well.
Most of the time I was simply reacting to the situations without thinking. I was angry not only because of what was happening in my life and I blamed everyone for what they were doing to me and was pretty content staying stuck in my anger and martyrdom. I didn’t know that there were other choices if I would just reach into my imagination and find some creative choices.
One day the day came that I was ready to understand what I can and cannot control. At first I was going to make a list of things that I can control and a list of those which I cannot but then it became obvious to me that a list was not necessary. Why? Because the only things that I can control are my thoughts, feelings and actions. The only things that I cannot control are the thoughts, feelings and actions of everyone else. Once I accepted the reality that I cannot control other people it was actually a big burden off my shoulders.
I’m not responsible for the thoughts and actions of anyone except myself, but there are things that I can do to control how others actions affect me. If someone is being rude to me I can leave the situation or I can try to diffuse the situation. I can take a deep breath and just be a listening ear. I don’t have to get stressed out myself, but if I do start to get stressed out I can tell them that I need a break because I am getting stressed out.
Sometimes it is much more difficult to figure out what I can control, there are things that happen that at first seem so out of control that I couldn’t possibly control anything. I’ve experienced severe family issues, extremely serious health issues, having my identity stolen, etc. For times like those, I really have to work hard not let bitterness, resentment, and anger control me and to make sure that I am controlling myself! I want to have control over me…when I can be happy despite what happens then I am a winner.
I have found ways to help me feel better when I have very little control: exercise, listening to calm music, online support groups, meditation, prayer, affirmations, friends, etc. A very big part of gaining control of yourself is simply to accept that you cannot control the situations or people around you and to quit trying to control them. It doesn’t do much good to try to control something that I can’t control, it just makes me miserable. At least I can control myself, many people don’t even have that luxury…they think that they are controlled by their circumstances and that’s why they act out and try to control others.
photo credit: milos milosevic
Hi Stacy!
I have to comment on this one not only because you make such an important point, how we do have the ability to take control of our own reaction to a situation and instead attract more of what we want.
I was in just such a long line situation one day, one of those which had every register in the grocery store backed up well into each isle. I couldn’t figure out what was going on because it was not the day before Thanksgiving or the Superbowl or something which could possibly have produced such a situation. So, I too decided to make the best of it and strike up a conversation with the girls behind me. As it turns out this was the opportunity which ultimately sent me down the path that I am on today, and why I am here commenting on your blog.
Fortunes change on a dime and we have the power to take advantage of opportunities if we just recognize the little ones that can turn into monumental ones!
Thanks for a Great post!
Wishing You Brilliant Success!
Vicki
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The things that you learn about yourself and the things around while doing random stuff. If you want to see a change in your life, do something about it right? Grab hold of your own destiny instead letting it dictate you. I think we all learned a valuable thing here. Good one Stacy!
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